Friday, January 18, 2013

Is this where the magic seeps in?

Is it in these cracks between the window panes of blurry day to day- day to day day to day. Between the slow and steady, fulfilling angle grind of tidying, vaccuming, dishes, slow walks, pointing and explaining? Is it in these little glimpses of willpower that burn steady, like ember, that glow late at night with cups of tea, and in early morning, before the house awakens and begins another day to day, day to day, day to day. And in these tiny brackets of time can come wildly monolithic to do lists, spirling up and up like church spires among which include self mastery, passionate romance, entrepeneurship, pamepering, friendship and relaxation? So brief, before the slip into the day to day, day to day, day to day. I heard many say that giving birth to another human, opening up and allowing life to tear it's way from your body, and come wailing into a feeling existance, is walking through a gateway, a door. In reflecting over this past year, I liken it more to getting drugged, kidnapped, and awoken whilst you are hurtling out of an airplane, with a parachute that yes, still functions, but you have 0.5 seconds to translate the instructions on opening before you hit the ground. Boom. And there you land. In this strange new world, a funhouse version of your old life, where all the creatures that you see, all the trees, are an angled reflection of what was, and what you had blocked up inside your body to be true. And everywhere around, step by step, is the sound of shattering glass. The shattering of ideals, of values, of a sense of self, of a story that once kept you safe, kept you strong. And naked, you are wandering through this augmented land, grasping, and fumbling for some inch of a sense of control- relishing in the seconds when your hands are strong enough to keep the wheel straight, if only for a moment. And in those moments, the world fills with sunshine. A golden glow with a warmth never before touched by such shaking hands as yours. A fullness, a richness to every texture - as if everything surface is bursting with the presence of god herself. Thankfully, the further you walk, the more of these moments there are. Untill the path leads you here - a year and some into this strange new land, and managing to eek out what feeds you, in the corners and cracks of the day. To burn through willpower throughout the day, and poke the embers at night to fuel a little, just a little, of something for me.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

no such state as post love

Love-arrive! Our wounds beg justifiaction
we crawl over the broken, the bloodied paths to invoke you again:
the greatest stillness
the loudest noise
never come love, never come.

Love- our throats crack with questions, again again.
why must you birth and then burn us?
why must creation seize and cease in ache?
why! the moaning! why! the moving! why-
the greatest stillness
the loudest noise
never come love, never come.

Love-our mortal feet know not the land
our maps are burnt, signposts switched.
we know not how to search nor find
the greatest stillness
the loudest noise
never come love, never come.


that the seed fears not deception in the soil
the bird begs not commitment from the bench
skies never swear not to fall.
each day swells and rises again,

All spines soften under your weight
all necks bend, near break to greet
the greatest stillness
the loudest noise

Monday, April 5, 2010


Circles. The fingers are stiff as a passion forgotten, locked away in some maybe trunk, covered in wounds and molding banadages.


That gift, that force-for so long

Monday, November 23, 2009

Living with magic may be challenging, but there is no greater satisfaction than knowing you are living in accordance with your highest values.

"It's taken a lot of determination, but I've finally given up on ambition."

I give thanks every day to intuition, silence, and courage. Thank the lord that I write my little passions and paint my little glamours from this big daddy of a brown leather chair, on a trunk filled with old journals, instead of in a stream of post-secondary cluster-fuck, with minds that are searching for what I already know; purpose.

I can't judge what the stones look like on anther's path, I can only know that I like how the stones on my path feel against my feet.

Perhaps I can modify the infamous Gonzo quote"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." to
"I wouldn't recommend dropping out of college, meditation and buying a van to everyone, but it certainly worked for me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A thanks to all of you who follow this pitiable little blog,floating around in the horrifying swirl of genius that social media creates.

Did you know? EVERYONE is a genius. Everyone! Perhaps that's what we'll look back on the "2000's" like:
"Yes, there was some political upheavel, invasions and conquering, like with any good era, but most amazingly, judging by the amount of broadcasted opinion, we are lead to believe that in fact, there was an incredible surge of brilliance."

Oh dear.

As far as life goes, it's hard to believe it continues to be this rich.

Battling the addictions, depravities and pesky thoughts that follow us around in this mortal realm, delighting in the amazing gifts that keep ending up on my doorstep this evening, and learning about the nature of myself, my spirt-our spirit, and the levels and spaces in between.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The college dropout and: the dream life!

I have to crouch down to keep from being thrown to the back of the truck, through it's loosely locked doors, and into an death all too perfect and fitting, albeit untimely.

As I am interviewing a city councillor in hours, I sit on my scarf, and try to keep my mouth clean and my pants cleaner.

In this country, we say "folks" not "bitches."

We're careening through Vancouver's streets, up into glass towers to steal furniture from the media with the money, and bring it back, behind hastings, in a purple and orange alley, wedge our U Haul in and block the cars and rats from going past.

Once we get back into the alley, and wade past the dripping tarps and deflated baloons that fill the doorway, I tug down the gridded wood of the utiltiy elevator, and rise jerkily through oily wood and darkness to the second floor, where we grunt and throw solid oak bookshelves around like mere books.

The floor is painted, the ceilings high, the place is expansive. All my artificial memories of Warhols factoy and New York artist warehouse days come flooding through. I bite my tounge to keep from running around screaming.

This, is community media.

These are my people.

This, is my dream life.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

A new twist in the land of lincoln, blinkin and blog.

Well Kidlets, here it is.

I've abandoned the ship of the ivory tower, and gone hurling into the uncharted deep, to make it on my own.

A very good decision, in my case, and on my part, if you were wondering.

While school has more than its place in this world and my life, I felt, and now know, that I was missing out on the opportunities and experiences of the "real world" filling out bogus stories and listening to how it was in the golden age of journalism.

And it's good, the opportunities are flooding down the drainpipe and providing me with the time to use such rediculous metaphors as "flooding down the drain pipe"

so, such begins my journey into the world of a J-School Dropout.

Surfing the waves of elation and self defeat.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Such an incredible amount of poured concrete in post secondary institutions, and even as I sit in the incredible glass building that is the Langara library, complete with bamboo, breathing roofs and lake-like moats (even ducks! even ducks swim in them) I can't help but feel like the most lifeless file clerk this side of an office tower downtown (and they're actually doing what they want to be doing)

Yes, I ached for J school
Yes, I sweated and bled over my applications.

But here I am, choking down economic theories and remembering the days in the summer when I was actually living my shit, was actually PRACTICING journalism and BEING an independent journalist, instead of swallowing someone else's antiquated wisdom and filing information back in my brain to be regurgitated later.

It's probably a bitter moment, a mere bitter moment.

But all I feel like saying, is baby, I see through it.
The glass tower just ain't my bag.

Check back with me tommorrow... it's probably going to look like the other side of the coin.